77 Reasons Not To Buy a Motorbike

1) They are only good in the summer

2) You will die in a road collision

3) Cars are better

4) You can't transport a decent amount of stuff

5) You have to wear a helmet

6) They are horrible to use in the rain

7) On motorbikes you are 100% more vulnerable to cheese wire

8) They are bad to use in the cold

9) The novelty wears off

10) You can only transport up to 2 people at a time

11) You need to take a whole other set of lessons to be able to drive one legally

12) People will hate you because bikers are stereotyped as idiots

13) No cup holders

14) A lot of money

15) You can’t really listen to music without interference

16) No radio

17 you are exposed to the elements

18) You can't talk to the person on the back if there is someone on the back

19) There are more limited parking spaces

20) You'll be sent invitations to join your local biker bumming club

21) You have to wear certain clothes

22) You cannot take a caravan

23) The clothes you have to wear you then have to carry round for all the time you’ve biked somewhere

24) They are easily knocked over

25) They are loud

26) It can be stolen by someone with a van

27) You can be hijacked more easily

28) You are more likely to be killed by a meteor

29) It doesn't have the advantage a pedal bike has that you can easily move it around by hand, like carry it through non-road bits or w/e

30) You are seen as a public menace

31) The seat can get wet and isn’t covered for when it rains

32) It will take up space in your garage

33) If a wheel falls off you only have one other wheel

34) You can’t carry a spare wheel

35) You can't use a bike and a car at the same time so whenever you use one the other one will be wasted

36) You can fall off

37) Very difficult to control in the rain

38) Bikes have less hit points

39) People will hate you for overtaking them in traffic

40) It is more common to be able to find spare parts of a car in comparison to bikes

41) If someone is shooting at you, you have less protection

42) In order to buy spare parts, you'll have to interact with other bike enthusiasts who are likely to be one of the negative stereotypes mentioned above

43) You cannot put your friends in the boot

44) You can’t put people you have murdered in the boot

45) They cost money

46) You can't easily use a GPS with one, and if you can, you won't be able to hear their instructions

47) You cannot read a map on one

48) You cannot sleep in a motorbike, unlike a car

49) You cannot eat while riding a bike

50) You have to carry around a FUCKING HELMET whenever you go anywhere that you got to by motorbike

51) No air conditioning on a motorbike

52) No heating on a motorbike

53) No backrest on the seat

54) You cannot watch the back screen window wiper go back and forth on a motorbike

55) Bugs can hit you in the face and splatter on your helmet

56) Motorbikes do not have electric windows

57) You cannot put luggage, take away food etc. on the spare passenger seat as it does not exist

58) You cannot bring the shopping back

59) Not economically friendly

60) You cannot watch a DVD player

61) You need to pay for petrol

62) You have to tilt your WHOLE FUCKING BODY to turn... so much effort!

63) Wheels are better than handle bars

64) You are 5 times as likely to be cut in half by a lamppost

65) I have no idea if this is true, but motorbikes don't have ABS, enjoy skidding to your death

66) There are less exciting gadgets available for your motorbike

67) Most people have cars, so you are less likely to have someone to jumpstart you when your bike fails

68) You have to take a separate test to be able to drive one

69) Lol 69

70) If you hit an animal, you'll be more likely to fall off and/or have blood splatter on your face

71) Different rules to learn

72) Motorbike has more syllables than car, and if you just say 'bike' you have to clarify that you mean motorbike rather than pedal bike

73) The tyres need to be inflated more

74) You can't kick in the front seat on a motorbike, unless you're the driver

75) Motorbike side cars are the stupidest things ever

76) You need to buy a waterproof sheet to cover motorbike to prevent erosion

77) You can stay inside and shelter from the rain in a car, not in a motorbike

A (serious) thought

 It's funny how life carries on so smoothly when its not your country that has just had multiple natural disasters in such a small time frame

The Pick and Mix Experiment - Part Two

Yesterday I expressed my concerns over whether I had been conned by 'Candy King', the well-known pick and mix company. After devising a frankly ingenious experiment to set my mind straight, today I ventured back into the very shop to carry it out. 

For those who missed it, skipped the above link or just generally have a bad memory, the below image of a whiteboard shows the method of my experiment.

As the whiteboard illustrates, the first step was to find out the individual cost an empty Pick and Mix Bag and Pick and Mix Cup. Here are the results in brilliant high definition pictures (click to enlarge):

 

The cup weighed 10p and the bag 6p.

Next step: Fill the cup with sweets. Now this is harder than it seems. In order to be fair and representative, I had to fill it with an equal measure of heavier and lighter sweets. I also had to make sure I filled the cup to the brim as it has a set cost of £2.99. So, whilst carefully picking my mix of sweets I used the smaller sweets to fill the cracks and gaps left behind by the larger ones to ensure it was as full as possible. 

With the cup full, I went advanced onto the next step: weighing the cup. This provided me with many stares from other customers! I could just hear them thinking "What an idiot, doesn't he realize you don't weigh the cups?". Bravely, I carried on and managed to obtain this photo of the cup weight, again pictured in high definition:

The full Pick and Mix Cup would cost £4.02

The next steps were to be completed at home. After in-depth analysis and with the aid of Excel, I created this nice little graph to help explain my intriguing findings:

 

The end result of the experiment is clear. The Bag cost £3.96 and the cup cost it's generic £2.99. This means that the cup is 32.4% cheaper than the bag. As the graph shows, the cup provides a 97p saving. I was shocked. I had not been conned. To the contrary, I conned Candy King. Yes, you read that correctly.

I conned Candy King and I beat the system.

The Pick and Mix Experiment - Part One

After a long, hard day of work*, i thought it would only be wrong of myself if i didn't pop down to the local shop to buy some well earned sweets. Now usually, I would venture off down into the sweets isle and pick up a bag of wine gums. However today I decided to treat myself to a bag of pick and mix.

I'm sure you can imagine my astonishment when I saw next to thew paper bags, a paper cup! You know, the sort you might be given in McDonalds or the cinema etc. A paper cup! I literally almost died of amazement. A cup - a Paper cup to put sweets in. Suddenly I found myself heading straight to the cup and picking it up, and no sooner was I filling it to the top with a variety of sweets. After this, I intended on going to weigh the 'cup o' sweets' on the scales provided. However, there was a sign that told me cups had a set price! I literally almost died again.

After all of that excitement, as I walked home, I stopped suddenly. I thought to myself: "Have I been conned? What if the excitement of the cup went to my head a bit? What if I used the bag, weighed it and it was cheaper!?". Trying not to panic, I dreamed up an experiment.

As the whiteboard illustrates, I will find out the weight of both an empty Pick and Mix Bag and a Pick and Mix Cup. After this, I will fill up the cup with a variety of sweets.  I will then weigh the cup and subtract the empty cup weight, giving me the raw sweets weight and price. I will add the bag weight giving me the weight and price I would have paid if I had purchased using Pick and Mix Bag.

Tomorrow I will go back down to said shop. I will carry out an investigation to find out once and for all: 

What is cheaper? Pick and Mix Bag, or Pick and Mix Cup.

*work being watching films. Hot Fuzz is a work of genius!

Lasers

Am I the only one who has shone a laser pen near passers by at night time?
Doing it stealthily out of the window makes me feel like a god.
If you try this, don't cause any car, bus, coach, skateboard, plane, helicopter, air balloon, elephant crashes. Don't blind anyone/thing either. 


Infact


DON'T DO IT

My Campaign to Encourage the Use of Inner Pockets

Hello my name is David Pemberton-Webb and I am here to write about my campaign to encourage the use of the pockets of which are on the inside of coats, jackets and various other garments (hereafter called inner pockets). In this essay, I will talk about the following topics regarding my campaign.

• The definition of an inner pocket
• The benefits of the inner pocket
• The overall aims and goals of the campaign
•  How you can help

What is an ‘Inner Pocket’?

According to the reputable website Wikipedia, the definition of a pocket is “a bag- or envelope-like receptacle either fastened to or inserted in an article of clothing to hold small items”. After studying this definition, I can conclude that an inner pocket is a typical pocket of which is concealed to onlookers on the inside of the said clothing. The British Broadcasting Cooperation (BBC) claims that the initial idea of the inner pocket was first conceived by cautious people who intended to “deter the pickpockets by making the theft more difficult.” Those men and women were geniuses.

The three main types of the inner pocket are:

• The Inner Breast Pocket –Usually found on the inside of a gentlemen’s jacket, this pocket is often assigned to the task of carrying wallets or perhaps passports and other similar legal documents
• The Ticket Pocket –This pocket is perhaps one of the more controversial ones and perhaps does not fall under the term ‘inner pocket’. The reasoning for this is that it is positioned inside an outer pocket. However for educational reasons, I will let it slip by. As the name suggests, the ticket pocket was originally used to hold tickets for easy access. In these modern days, the ticket pocket is still used to keep tickets but it is not uncommon to find similar documents such as business cards or perhaps other light objects
• The Coin Pocket -Much like the ticket pocket, it is debatable as to whether this can fall under the definition of an inner pocket as it lies inside another outer pocket. Often found on jeans in the right hip pocket, this tight pocket is usually used to store coins. It is clever because it keeps the coins separated from other objects and provides easy access to them

                

After intensive research, I have found evidence that would suggest that most inner pockets can be found on a variety of both formal and informal jackets and indeed coats. It is rare to find pockets similar to inner breast pocket on t-shirts, shirts, trousers and underwear, but it is not unheard of.

The many benefits of the Inner Pocket:

          

      

Undoubtedly, there are many, many benefits of the use of inner pockets. I am however sad to confirm that many of said benefits go largely unnoticed to the common person.

               

One major benefit of the inner pocket is that it provides major protection against most pick pockets and various other thieves. This can only be a good thing! This is mainly due to the location of the pocket itself; as inner pockets are mostly placed on the inside of the front of the jacket, it is difficult for a pickpocket to stealthily gain access without the proprietor of the garment noticing. For this reason, many thieves such as the pickpocket often do not take the risk of breaching the inner pocket.

                

A second benefit to the use of the inner pocket is a rarely noticed one, even by the fans of the inner pocket. On a cold day when you are out shopping, you would be unwise to have gone out not wearing a jacket or coat to keep you warm. However, jackets and coats do not keep your hands warm and as gloves can be inconvenient as they can handicap the use of your fingers. Thus, if you have ventured out without gloves, your hands will be cold. Now, imagine this: You are about to reach into your inner breast pocket to locate your mobile phone/cell phone. You brush your hand against your shirt which is warm due to the protection of the cold provided by the jacket. You locate your mobile device and return your now warm hand out. That warmth is glorious and you would not experience it if you were to keep your mobile/cell phone in an outer pocket, and I urge you to try it out when it is next cold.

                

Moreover, the inner pocket is incredibly useful to conceal and hide objects, legal documents or other papers and more from your enemies or other people. This brilliant ability can be used in a variety of instances. For example, whilst out shopping with his girlfriend, he could quickly pop out to the jewellery shop to purchase a ring of which he could propose to her with, concealing it in his inner pocket until the time is right. Alternatively, being given the task of delivering a top secret and confidential letter or document to a specified contact, by using the inner breast pocket one could conceal said document from view to enhance its security. Not only this, but think about how cool and hip you would look when reaching inside your inner pocket and revealing said document.

                

Although many people may arguable that inner pockets are unsightly and unfashionable, I argue that they are not for the following reasons: Firstly, as the name states, inner pockets are well, inner. This single fact alone contradicts the argument that inner pockets are ‘unsightly and unfashionable’ as they are unseen and hidden from view. Surely this alone means that inner pockets are not subject to the ever-changing and strict laws of fashion and should always be present in garments.

The Overall Aims and Goals of the Campaign and How They Will Be Achieved:

The main goal of this campaign is to raise awareness of the inner pocket and its many benefits of which largely go unnoticed. After raising awareness, we aim on largely increasing the amount of inner pockets until the ratio is 2:1 of inner pockets to outer pockets.

The steps we will take to actually raise awareness are simple ones. Starting off small, we intend on establishing a ‘fan base’ of followers. This will give us gravitas and perhaps a larger amount of power of which we may be able to use to manipulate the media. To achieve a larger fan base, we will create a twitter account and also start a facebook campaign as there is a large amount of evidence to suggest that these ALWAYS work. We will also put up posters and pictures of inner jackets on the lampposts of heavily populated cities to raise awareness as this can only help. We will ask for donations in order to make and publish a series of television advertisements promoting this campaign

After we have gained a large fan base, we will start an online petition and aim for around 10,000 signatures. We will then send a letter to major clothes manufacturers detailing the aims of this campaign and send them a copy of the petition. We hope this will result in them addressing the issue by adding more inside pockets for us, the public to take advantage of.

                

Of course, there is the slight possibility that the fashion industry will decline our proposition. In the event of this happening, we will start another facebook campaign and twitter account as well as another petition directed at the governments of major countries intending to get them to outlaw outer pockets. This ingenious idea will force the fashion industry to manufacture clothes with inner pockets and we will achieve our main aim!

How YOU Can Help

                

In this section, I answer the question you are dying to ask: What can I do to help? There are many ways you can do this; small and large. The small things that can be done, are writing a well-documented article on Wikipedia. This simple step that may seem insignificant may gain at least one supporter, which would make it incredibly worthwhile. Alternatively, starting a public protest amongst you and your friends could do wonders for the campaign, however I must ask for these protests to be peaceful as we do not want negative press coverage. Hosting ‘Inner Pocket Parties’ can provide immense fun, as well as aiding the campaign.

              

Even smaller deeds can help promote awareness. For example, telling work colleagues or friends about this campaign is encouraged, as well as running down the street in your underwear exclaiming the benefits of inner pockets will certainly gather attention.